Shame

Shame can make eliminating self-destructive behaviors challenging. 

It’s easy to sink into shame when we mess up. Instead of realizing that we made a mistake or did something terrible, it’s easy to label ourselves as someone bad or a failure; we internalize our shame. 

Shame isn’t the same as guilt. Guilt is a response to behavior, but shame is a negative feeling of self. 

The Role Shame Plays in Self-Destructive Behaviors

At the root of most self-destructive behaviors is shame.

Often, self-destructive behavior is an attempt to correct the painful emotion(s) you’re dealing with. And all it does is lead to even more shame, triggering a downward spiral of self-destructive behavior. 

Shame makes you withdraw and isolate; shame breeds shame. 

Sometimes we struggle with hidden shame, which might manifest in self-destructive behaviors like addiction, rage, and avoidance. 

Poor behavior, silence, and secrecy fuel shame. 

Adults shame children into compliance. In children, you create shame by harshly judging, criticizing, and scolding them. It can also be created by physical or sexual abuse and abandonment. 

Disrupting The Shame Cycle

Stopping your self-destructive behavior requires a new vision for your life and decisive action. 

Start changing a self-destructive behavior by replacing it with an affirming behavior, and then reward it!

You begin rewiring your brain by rewarding and celebrating the new affirming behavior.

You repeat this until a new neural pathway is created and a new way of living has taken hold, creating a new and higher standard for your life. 

But you must also deal with the shame. 

Pride (the good kind, not arrogance) is one way to start healing feelings of shame. 

Make choices and engage in behaviors that generate self-respect and pride. 

Shatter the secrecy of destructive behaviors by sharing your journey with a counselor, therapist, or other people you can trust deeply and who will understand and accept you.  

Challenge Your Self-Talk

Negative self-talk makes it so hard to break self-destructive behavior. 

Realize that your negative self-talk is lying to you because that’s no longer the person you choose to be!

Identify the negative self-talk when it comes, correct it, and replace it. 

Don’t be embarrassed about reaching out for help. Having people on your side is a powerful resource. Rely on them for support when breaking free from self-destructive behaviors. 

The Journey Isn’t Over…

It’s just beginning. A mistake doesn’t mean your journey is over. 

Failure is a chance to learn, grow, and move on. 

You can’t change everything overnight; it’s a process. But you can travel in a new and better direction every day! How you decide to respond to failure determines your destiny.

Know Your Triggers

Do you know what triggers your self-destructive behavior? Learn what triggers you so you can avoid those situations or at least have some coping strategies in mind when things don’t go the way you hoped or planned. 

Prepare and plan for difficult situations because you know that your self-destructive behavior manifests in certain situations. Have a plan ready to deal with those situations so you respond intentionally instead of reacting mindlessly when they arise or take you by surprise. 

Own It…

Ultimately, it will take time and effort to overcome your self-destructive behaviors. There is no fast track here – you must commit to change, but unlocking your best life is ultimately worth it. So live with tomorrow in mind and the person you have chosen to become!

The post How To End Self-Destructive Behavior appeared first on Lifestyle.

In a divorce, someone leaves, and someone is left. 

The finality of it all can throw a person into grieving and mourning, even if they want out of the marriage. Knowing the end has come – that it is all over – can leave you feeling unsettled and scared, even empty. 

Losing a spouse by marriage is similar to losing a spouse by death, except in divorce, the spouse chooses to leave, which can be especially hard to deal with, sometimes even harder than death, some experts claim.

According to Oklahoma State University, “Individuals may go through several stages of mourning or grief. The emotional intensity of this period usually reaches a peak within the first six months of separation. However, the grieving process may take as long as two years. Although you are likely to experience all of the grieving stages at some point, they may not occur in the same order for each person.”

Regardless of how the marriage ends, you must find a way to land on your feet. Healing is a process, so take your time. Meanwhile, here are some tips to help you find solid ground again along your journey to recovery. 

Change Your Viewpoint

Some people feel lost at the end of a bad marriage and the resulting divorce. They’re not sure who they are anymore. So, after the divorce, they must re-adjust how they look at things. 

Thankfully, getting a divorce no longer carries the social stigma it once did, usually. 

And remember, just because you’re no longer married doesn’t mean your life is empty, pointless, or that you’re “less-than” in some way, even if people take sides with your ex. 

During this time of self-renewal and rediscovery, spend time with family and friends, try new things, live your life! 

Enjoy your freedom and the excitement of discovering what kind of person you want to be! 

Learn & Grow from Setbacks

Divorce is painful. It’s a horrible, tear-filled experience that can leave you with the loss of things most precious, like daily time with your kids, certain friends, or even a career you worked so hard to build, and it can fill you with doubt and second-guessing. 

When that happens, it’s human nature to blame your ex for your situation and everything that went wrong, but that gets you nowhere. All it does is keep you stuck in pain and suffering. 

As painful and humbling as it will be, you must evaluate the marriage to learn what went wrong in the relationship and the part you played in it coming to an end. 

Why? 

To keep yourself from becoming a victim and ensure you don’t bring those issues into your next relationship. 

When you allow yourself to be a victim, you’re never free; you’re always under the thumb of your oppressor. Blame is toxic. 

Learn and grow to be free. Acknowledge your wrongs; work on yourself and become better; improve your life.  

Swallow your pride, and take responsibility and ownership of your actions to bring your best YOU into your next relationship without any drama or toxicity. 

You can blame your ex, or you can be happy. The choice is yours.

Don’t blame. Do an autopsy of the marriage; lay out the facts. Channel your anger and disappointment into understanding what you want and don’t want in a relationship and what kind of partner you want to be.

Address your insecurities and failings; seek therapy or counseling, especially if you were abused in some way or had the misfortune of being manipulated or oppressed by a narcissist. 

You’ll go from feeling sad, weak, and helpless to feeling peaceful, centered, capable, and empowered.

Give Yourself Credit

As you put the broken pieces of your life back together, try not to fall into the bottomless pit of feeling sorry for yourself and seeking sympathy; avoid being a martyr. And don’t punish yourself emotionally by blaming yourself or beating yourself up. 

Instead, acknowledge what you did right and your positive contributions to the marriage. 

Also, celebrate all your hard work and how far you’ve come since the divorce; be proud of yourself!

Be the kind of friend to yourself that you’d be to one of your best friends who was recovering from divorce; be supportive, affirming, and positive! You’re making progress by taking positive, productive steps forward. Forward is forward, no matter how fast or slow you’re moving.

Give yourself credit for making tough phone calls or learning how to handle something that used to be your partner’s responsibility. 

You’re strong, intelligent, and more than capable. So celebrate every small success in your daily life.

Be Grateful for What You Have

Counting your blessings is one solid way to land on your feet after a divorce. 

Also, find something to be grateful for in your failed marriage to break its hold on you; gratitude disempowers negative emotions.

Instead of gazing longingly at what you’ve “lost,” count your blessings for what you still have and for the people who remain who deeply care for you.

List as many positives as possible to help you appreciate your life. 

And when you start looking back on your marriage with nostalgia and start feeling guilty or feeling sorry for yourself, remember why you agreed to end the relationship – remember those moments when you felt unheard, unloved, ignored, neglected, or abused emotionally by your partner. 

You probably felt lonely and rejected many times and cried yourself to sleep often.

Compare those moments with your life now and the support of your friends and family. 

Even though you might be on your own and want to be married again someday, you now have the freedom to make new friends. You can enjoy new experiences like volunteering, enrolling in a class, or simply becoming a more active community member.

Give yourself credit for putting your life back together piece by piece but stronger and much wiser this time. 

Schedule Things to Look Forward To

You’ll have more free time after a divorce. Don’t spend it all catching up on chores, work, and running errands. 

Set aside time for yourself daily, even if it’s just ten or fifteen minutes, for things you enjoy, like gardening, painting, praying and meditating, or just taking a walk; taking time for yourself lowers stress and anxiety, and brightens your mood and adds happiness to your day.

Other ideas include:

• Joining a book club
• Attend a local art gallery
• Go to a museum
• Host a game night and invite a few friends over
• Enroll in a ministry in your faith community

Conclusion

Divorce is the end of one road and the start of a new one. It’s only natural to feel a bit unsettled and scared. Give yourself some time; it’s different for everyone because no two situations are exactly the same. 

But with time, as you rediscover yourself and rebuild, you’ll start feeling ever more hopeful and excited about your life as you embark on a new adventure of exciting possibilities. Own the process and trust yourself because it gets better, and life will feel warm, safe, and full of promise again.

The post Life After Divorce: Landing On Your Feet appeared first on Lifestyle.

Self-monitoring is a kind of self-awareness that develops mental toughness and resilience. 

What is mental toughness?

According to Mental Toughness Inc., “Mental toughness is the ability to resist, manage and overcome doubts, worries, concerns and circumstances that prevent you from succeeding, or excelling at a task or towards an objective or a performance outcome that you set out to achieve.”

Developing mental toughness requires self-monitoring and self-awareness, allowing us to take charge of our lives. 

What is self-monitoring?

According to the NIH.gov, “Self-monitoring refers to the ability to notice our own actions, curiosity to examine the effects of those actions, and willingness to use those observations to improve behavior and thinking in the future. Self-monitoring allows for the early recognition of cognitive biases, technical errors, and emotional reactions and may facilitate self-correction and development of therapeutic relationships.” 

It’s simple: Self-monitoring is paying close attention to your behavior and responding appropriately to what is happening around you.

Self-monitoring can be easy, like when you’re dining at a nice restaurant with linen tablecloths and fine china, you naturally keep your voice down and let your behavior mirror the elegant environment. 

Or it can be on the other end of the spectrum, like when you’re loud and boisterous at an amusement park with your friends! You laugh, scream, and talk loudly. 

In both these examples, you gather information from the environment about what is and isn’t appropriate or acceptable to guide your behavior. 

But self-monitoring isn’t always that easy. For example, let’s say you’re having a heated argument with a coworker. You might feel like yelling at them and unleashing your frustrations, but because of self-monitoring, you reason with yourself and realize that yelling and being rude won’t solve anything and will do more damage than good. So you take a few deep breaths, suck it up, exert control to remain calm, and keep your voice steady, perhaps even having a pleasant expression during the conversation.

When you take charge of your behavior through self-monitoring, you’re demonstrating mental toughness; you’re in charge of your emotions instead of your feelings controlling you. 

It’s tough because you can be in a situation where self-monitoring goes against your natural instincts, but you rely on your mental toughness to respond wisely instead of foolishly. 

Strategies for strengthening the skill of self-monitoring.

1. Practice using your observational skills to be more self-aware. 

Practice being more self-aware by listening and observing your interactions and conversations.

Observe your surroundings and the people around you; gather information to begin self-monitoring your behavior to respond appropriately and in a way that supports your goals and who you are as a person. 

2. Put space between you and the situation to process what’s being said or done. 

Step away. Get out of the thick of things. You want to respond intentionally instead of reacting mindlessly or emotionally in a way that’s inappropriate or makes things worse.

In some emotionally-charged situations, it’s easy to want to react strongly, perhaps even overreact. So practice self-monitoring by stepping away momentarily. Take time to calm down, evaluate the situation, and form a response or plan of action.

3. Observe yourself in various social situations. 

How do you behave in various social settings? Who are you at work, with friends, in meetings, at the gym, or in any other one of a hundred different social settings? How do you act, talk, and behave? And does your behavior support and reflect the kind of person you want to be or should be in those environments?

Know yourself. Observe your attitudes and patterns of behavior. Notice how people respond to you. Evaluate what you can do to improve and be more effective and successful. Practice self-monitoring to unlock your best life through mental toughness. 

The post How To Use Self-Monitoring To Be Mentally Tough appeared first on Lifestyle.

People tend to like helping nice, friendly people – people who are caring, selfless, and trustworthy. Those traits can win over the most difficult, reluctant people. 

Since there’s an art to honing the friendly powers of persuasion, here are five ways to start being more persuasive today. But remember, persuasion isn’t about being selfish or manipulating people; we shouldn’t exploit or abuse this power to meet our selfish needs.

Be Confident

Believe in what you want and why you want it, and be confident that you deserve it. Let the reasons why you want it to be uplifting.

Believing in what you want and being confident you deserve it makes the person you’re asking feel confident and subconsciously influences them to give you what you want.

According to a study by the University of Leicester, “the single significant behavioral difference between persuaders and persuadees was in the expression of confidence.”

Your ability to persuade others starts with your level of confidence. The more confident you are, the more persuasive your appeal is. 

How can you be more confident? Choose to act more confident. Take a deep breath, smile, be helpful and agreeable, and show them what you’ve got!

Just ensure you’re not arrogant, and don’t be pushy because you’ll come across as entitled or cocky, which are big turn-offs. 

Have Logical Reasons 

Although many people are persuaded by their feelings, most use logic to support their decisions. 

Suppose you want a co-worker to help with a project or to get caught up with a pile of work. Initially, they’ll resist you and say they’re too busy with their own stuff. 

Explain why they’re the best person to help you, which is why you’re asking. And then mention that by working together, you’ll both finish your work faster, making the boss and the company happy.

Words Matter 

It makes sense that some words are more persuasive than others, and those are the ones you want to use.  

For example, ‘reasonable’ sounds so much better than ‘okay,’ and a ‘lucrative’ deal is much better than saying, “it’s a good deal.”

You don’t have to memorize a list of “persuasive words.” Just be mindful that words matter; some are more influential than others. 

Think about what you want to say, and then choose words that communicate the heart and spirit of your message. 

You’ll be a more skillful communicator and sound more intelligent, confident, and coherent —all of which make you more trustworthy and, ultimately, more influential; it’s called the power of rhetoric.

Point Out How The Other Person Will Benefit

People gravitate towards friendly people who seek win-win situations because everyone always asks, “What’s in it for me?”

Let’s say you have to move and want your friends to help, but you know that no one likes the headache and hassle of moving; it’s a pain and a lot of work. 

But, if you tell them you’ll be giving a lot of your stuff away, they might be more inclined to help you. Or tell them you don’t expect them to do it for free – that dinner is one you at their favorite restaurant. 

Make it a win-win. Don’t just take; give back.

Find Something To Affirm Or Compliment

Some people flatter people to get what they want. So be careful with this tactic because it can make you seem manipulative.

Find something about them or their work that you can compliment or affirm. Remember, this isn’t a bribe. 

Give them sincere, appropriate compliments that build them up and boost their self-confidence; make them feel good about themselves. When they see your heart, they’ll listen, and consider what you’re asking. 

Treating others how you want to be treated is a good rule to remember when persuading someone to do what you want. Be confident, have good reasons, choose your words carefully, emphasize how they will benefit from this partnership, and build them up because when you do all of these things, people will naturally want to help you because they can see that you’re a good person who gives back. 

The post 5 Ways To Be More Persuasive! appeared first on Lifestyle.

Imagine dreaming, setting, and achieving goals. 

Being independent and practicing personal autonomy is a dream that few people seem to achieve. 

But, personal autonomy is more than just focusing on you and your goals. It’s self-awareness and seeing the big picture, realizing that you’re part of a community with responsibilities, privileges, and freedoms; you don’t just live to serve yourself and satisfy your needs and desires. 

What Is Personal Autonomy?

Encyclopedia.com defines autonomy as “Personal autonomy refers to a person’s sense of self-determination, of being able to make choices regarding the direction of her or his own actions, including the freedom to pursue those choices. With personal autonomy, an individual is able to engage in effective self-regulation—successfully monitoring needs and values; responding adaptively to the environment, and initiating, organizing, and directing actions toward the achievement of needs.”

Personal autonomy is having the power, freedom, and self-determination to follow your heart. It’s giving yourself the gift of self-endorsement instead of living to please others and longing for their approval.

In its simplest form, personal autonomy is taking charge of your life and acting on your interests, core values, and standards.

We have two basic choices: We can keep our vision of a better, happier life before us to keep us on track and live according to our desires and personal beliefs, or conform to someone else’s beliefs.

You can live life on your terms or someone else’s. One is freedom. The other is imprisonment.

But here’s the scary part for some people: Personal autonomy requires you to take full responsibility of your life. It involves taking risks, sacrificing personal comforts now for something better later, and living with a measure of uncertainty, which isn’t easy.

Personal autonomy isn’t wreckless; it’s about making informed decisions and taking full ownership when things go wrong. 

It’s also about managing yourself, controlling your feelings, and taking the initiative to make things happen (without being reminded or prodded) to unlock your best life because you know that no one will do it for you. 

Personal autonomy is taking initiative and using your power to do what it takes to live the life you want and deserve. 

How Personal Autonomy Strengthens Your Independence

Now that we know more about personal autonomy and what it is let’s look at ways it can help boost your independence.

Taking Initiative

Having personal autonomy means taking the initiative to manage your happiness and try new things; you don’t rely on someone or something else to be happy. You live your life and invest in your happiness. 

You can start small, like trying a new restaurant or coffee shop you’ve been eyeing for a few weeks. Then, little by little, you can take more initiative and try bigger things. Maybe you get a head start on the presentation you’ve been putting off to avoid being stressed by the dreaded deadline. 

You could also show initiative at work by taking on more responsibilities instead of doing as little as possible to get by; ask your boss if there are any projects you can help them with. 

In your personal life, you can take the initiative to tackle that DIY project you’ve been thinking about, or by volunteering a few hours a week for a worthy cause. 

Getting Organized

Being organized doesn’t just mean decluttering and tidying things up. That’s a great start, but personal autonomy and independence go further. 

Becoming independent means learning how to organize and manage your time and money (fortunately, there are a gazillion apps to make it easier). 

Regarding organizing your time and structuring your day, list all that you do during a typical workday. And be sure to include any chores, errands, appointments, or events during that time. Next, move on to what you do in a typical week and month, noting how long it takes you to do each task.

An independent person structures their time and maps out their day, prioritizing what’s most important so they can remove or postpone certain tasks if things get hectic.

Taking Responsibility

People talk a lot about taking ownership and being responsible, but what does it mean?

Basically, responsibility is knowing what you have to do, getting it done on time, and taking credit for your hard work. You’re reliable, fulfill your commitments, and keep your word no matter what; no excuses.

Being responsible means holding yourself accountable when things go “wrong” instead of making excuses or blaming others. Admit when you’re wrong or failed to meet a deadline; learn from the situation to improve next time.

Personal autonomy and independence go hand in hand. Some people are happy with the bare minimum and letting life happen to them. They don’t have any dreams or plans. They “wish” things were better, but that’s where it ends.

Independent people design their lives; they don’t drift. They use their freedom of choice and personal power to live on their terms and unlock their best life. 

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But, have you ever noticed how some people seem to quit on themselves because it takes too much effort to become more than they are? So they sink into lukewarm complacency.

Others look in the mirror and are apathetic. Their motto seems to be, “This is who I am! Take it or leave it!” 

They settle for a mediocre life because it’s the path of least resistance. 

They refuse to change or grow but expect everyone in their universe to adapt, adjust, or accommodate their wants and needs.

Complacency and apathy are hazards along one’s journey to unlock their best life.

Idowu Koyenikan writes, “You must have a level of discontent to feel the urge to want to grow.” 

He’s not wrong. 

But perhaps a better word for “discomfort” is “hunger.” 

We must stay hungry to feel the urge to unlock our best life.

Your life might be awesome, but if you’re honest with yourself, there are probably one or two things you wouldn’t mind improving.   

Here are five steps to start unlocking your best life, even if it’s pretty great already.

1. Create Yourself

What are your likes and dislikes? What do you stand for and stand against? What would you like more of and less of in your life? What person, real or fictional, do you admire and secretly wish you were, or at least more like them? What are some of your hopes, dreams, and goals? What are some “bad” habits you’d like to overcome, or new habits you’d like to create?

Where would you like to see yourself in a year or two, and what do you need to start doing differently to get there?  

Get curious about yourself. And get curious about what you’re capable of becoming and achieving! Don’t believe everything people say about you; the final say is yours because it’s your life.

Once you know yourself, you can begin to improve your life; it’s hard to improve what you don’t understand. It’s even harder when you don’t know what you want to become. Ask the following questions

• What do I enjoy doing?
• What do I enjoy doing that I’ve not been doing?
• What’s my biggest source of inspiration, and why?
• What are my biggest motivators?
• What keeps me awake at night?
• Who are my biggest supporters?
• What do I worry about?
• What are my core values?
• What are my strengths and weaknesses?
• What are my talents and gifts – what do I do exceptionally well?

2 Replenish Yourself

Unlocking your best life requires a sharp mind – a mind that’s fully rested. 

Staying out late night after night or staying in and letting your brain get flabby watching television for hours and hours or mindlessly scrolling through social media sabotages your efforts to improve your life. 

That kind of lifestyle dulls your cognitive abilities, which include decision-making, strategic thinking, and long-term planning. It’s not good for your physical health either. And it wastes time you could spend creating the kind of life that’s more important to you in the long run. 

The Sleep Foundation reports that we need between 7–9 hours of good, quality sleep nightly.

You might not think you have that much time for sleep because of everything you must get done, but you’ll get more done in less time when you’re fully rested. 

It’s worth logging hours in bed to awaken each morning feeling refreshed, energized, and ready to win the day.

Sleep not only sharpens your mental focus but also fortifies your immune system, reduces stress, and helps you maintain a trim waist. Sleep lowers the risk of chronic diseases like heart disease, hypertension, and Type-2 diabetes.

3 Empower Yourself

Physical activity has an immediate impact on your mental and emotional state. 

Even if you’re someone who never feels like working out, you’ll rarely, if ever, regret following through and doing it. Every time you finish your workout, you’ll think, “I didn’t feel like it, but I’m glad I did!”

Good health is a cornerstone of high-quality living and enjoying a satisfying life.

Exercise and healthy eating combine to create a fountain of youth. 

You will be strong, independent, and able to take the stairs without getting winded. You will keep up with your kids and grandchildren. You’ll have the strength to pursue your hobbies and passions. You will walk without getting weary and look great in your clothes. Not to mention taking fewer medications and suffering unwanted side effects.

Besides, you’re more confident, daring, and happier when you look and feel great. 

4. Fascinate Yourself

Some people aim to learn something new every day. Maybe that’s a tad bit aggressive. But expose yourself to new ways of thinking and doing things to keep an open mind and boost the quality of your thoughts.

Curiosity isn’t just for children or unfortunate cats. 

Never stop being curious; keep your brain young, no matter how old you are. 

After all, if we’re not learning and growing, then we’re declining and stagnating. Here are some ideas to never stop learning:

• Read one book a month
• Take a class
• Start a hobby
• Do something that kind of scares you once every month or two

5. Celebrate Yourself

Nelson Mandela said, “Remember to celebrate milestones as you prepare for the road ahead.”

Improving your life isn’t easy. Unlocking your best life takes sacrifices and hard work. No one will hand you a better life on a silver platter. 

Please don’t wait for someone to recognize your hard work; recognize it yourself because you’ve earned it!

Being proud of your progress isn’t selfish.

Celebrate yourself and the person you’re becoming!

As you review the ground you’ve covered from where you were to where you are, you’ll begin to discover what’s “under the hood” — what you’re capable of achieving and becoming. You’ll also get a glimpse of where you want to go next with your life. This reflection process allows you to keep growing and moving forward, unlocking more of your best life every day!

“It is not as much about who you used to be as it is about who you choose to be.” Sanhita Baruah.

The post You’re Worth More appeared first on Lifestyle.

The idea is that by discovering our unique traits we will become more effective in our career, unlock our potential, and find a a life partner who is best suited to our temperament and personality.

Not Always Accurate

Only a trained professional can give an accurate personality test. The most important thing to remember about personality testing is that there are no wrong answers. Use the information as a general guide to help further define your strengths and weaknesses.

There are several different underlying psychological theories that go into personality testing. And hundreds of different types of tests that may or may not be accurate in their assessment of your personality strengths and characteristics.

Why Take a Personality Test?

A healthy reason to take a personality test is not so much to identify your global personality traits but to identify various jobs, relationships, or types of compromises that align with who you are. This gives you and your boss a real advantage when considering your job placement or career choices.

Personality testing can be helpful for people who haven’t given much thought about the reasons behind their actions or reactions to situations.

Personality testing can help people become more aware of the characteristics and traits that are both working against them and for them.

For example, by recognizing that planning for the future isn’t something you do easily, you can modify your behavior intentionally to put into effect plans that ensure a financially stable future.

Personality Disorders

Another reason personality testing is performed is to determine if someone may be suffering from a personality disorder. These are a set of traits that will negatively affect your life and ability to be successful in your actions with others. They often have a wide ranges of causes and an even wider range of negative effects on lifestyle choices and results.

Psychologists have identified ten broad categories of personality disorder that are the most common and that have significant negative consequences.

These personalty disorders include paranoid, schizoid, antisocial, borderline, histrionic, narcissistic, avoidant, dependent and obsessive-compulsive.

It’s Always Your Choice

How you use personality testing for your own benefit is obviously up to you. Just be aware that the results aren’t always accurate, and that only a trained psychologist who is experienced in testing can give a thorough evaluation.

Personality testing should only be used as a tool to give you insights into your own actions and behaviors but not something that predicts or determines your destiny. You are always in charge of your life and the type of person you want to become.

Photo by Isaac Davis on Unsplash

The post The Purpose of Personality Testing appeared first on Lifestyle.

For decades, scientists and personal development professionals have used personality typing to help people discover insightful truths about themselves.

Traits versus Types

When it comes to personality types, it’s helpful to distinguish between types and traits. Personality traits are a small group of behavioral tendencies, and types are believed to involve a qualitative difference between people. For example, having an introverted personality or an extroverted personality are two fundamentally different types of personality.

Interestingly, scientists don’t always get it right. You’ve probably heard about “type A” personalities, driven people who can be difficult to get along with and are supposed to be more at risk for heart attacks, etc. Interestingly, this particular theory has not held up using empirical research.

Thank You Ancient Greeks

For centuries, people have tried to classify people according to categories. The desire to put individuals into categories has been documented as far back as 2000 B.C., when the ancient Greeks believed that people fell into four basic types in which they were either irritable, depressed, optimistic, or calm.

Somatotypes

Fast forward to modern times. In the 1940s, William Sheldon used people’s body shapes to classify people; the theory was called somatotypes. Plump people were classified as relaxed and friendly, while those who were lean or delicate were thought to be quiet, non-assertive, and sensitive.

Myers-Briggs

One of the most commonly known personality type “tests” is Myers-Briggs. It was developed around World War II by a mother-daughter team attempting to help women reenter the workforce and find jobs best suited to their specific talents. They based their work on a 1921 publication by Carl Jung, which outlines specific personality types based on temperaments.

The 1970s

In a 1971 study, Block thought he identified five different personality types among men, but only three of the five held up in further studies in the 1990s. The personality types included a well-adjusted or resilient person who was adaptable and flexible; an individual who was over-controlling and maladjusted, uptight; or an individual who was under-controlling and impulsive, risky, delinquent, or even had criminal behavior.

Beautifully Complex

In theory, personality typing is supposed to be a helpful tool for corporate and government agencies and counselors who want to predict the success rate of people who take on specific types of jobs and/or determine how well they will mesh with others. Some counselors even use personality typing to help couples figure out if they’re a good match.

At the end of the day, a person is a multidimensional being with spiritual, emotional, mental, physical, and relational aspects to their personality and character. Not to mention how they were raised, including their environment and life experiences that have shaped who they are. When you take all of these things into consideration, might it be a little naive to think we can classify and categorize people into personality types?

We are beautifully complex creatures with a richness and depth that is both elusive and profound.

It’s been said that life isn’t about finding ourselves…it’s about creating ourselves. But does it have to be one or the other? What if life is about finding AND creating ourselves? And what if it’s in the process of creating ourselves that we actually find ourselves?

One thing is for certain, the only person you should ever let define you is you, regardless of how people classify or categorize you. They don’t get to decide who you are. YOU and you alone get to decide who and what you are. Besides, if your time on earth is a lifelong journey of self-discovery, how can any so-called expert possibly classify you by using a simple multiple-choice personality test?

Image by Matthew Morse from Pixabay

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Start Where You Are

Personal growth is first and foremost for your benefit. Start where you are. What areas of your life are you satisfied with? What are some areas you’d like to change? And where have you been settling for status quo – for living just an “ok” life?

While zeroing in on the areas you want to change, try to figure out why it’s so important to you to want to improve that area of your life. We all like to feel motivated, but this journey needs to be fueled from within. Being clear on why you want something so much will drive you. If you don’t really want it, start over and find something you do really want.

At the end of the day, you are the boss of your life. You and you alone are in charge of designing and creating your life.

Make a Specific List Monthly

Choose an area of your life to work on now. Just one. Not ten. One. Know what you want to change and why. It’s okay if you’re a little fuzzy. List two or three specific things you can do to improve that one area, and get going! Adapt and adjust as needed because you’re going to grow. You are becoming something more than you are right now. You’re evolving. And as you evolve, you’ll need new goals and tasks because the person you are today is more capable than the person you were a month ago.

Celebrate Yourself

Reward your effort and accomplishments with celebrations along the way for the great progress you’re making! You don’t have to spend a lot of money. Just treat yourself to something pleasurable or enjoyable. It could be enjoying your favorite meal, going to your favorite place, or having a party with friends. Positive reinforcement will motivate you to stay on track.

Connect

Share the journey and connect with like-minded people. Everyone should feel safe and free to share their challenges, struggles, insights, and successes. Create a supportive community of growth and change.

Adjust and Correct Course

It’s about making progress – not blindly following a plan that isn’t working. Almost all plans need to be adjusted. So what? Progress is what matters. You have the rest of your life to improve and grow. So, be flexible and adaptable along the way

Open Your Mind to What’s Possible

Improving your life is a gradual process. Be teachable and coachable – haven an open mind to what’s possible and for how it can be achieved.

Read books, attend seminars, listen to podcasts, follow people who are the real deal and not just talk. Feed your mind. Fuel your soul. Grow. Learn. Improve.

Nature is anything but stagnant. Change and growth are a part of life. As you grow through the various stages of life, your wants, desires and goals will also change. Enjoy the process of mastering the different areas of life. Strive to make progress all the days of your life so you can live life to the fullest and leave the world a better place for future generations.

Image by Sasin Tipchai from Pixabay

The post You’re Either Climbing Forward or Slipping Backward appeared first on Lifestyle.

You won’t unlock your best life until you make your life a priority.

What Matters Most

Being an “influencer”, wearing designer clothes and traveling to exotic locations are wonderful experiences but they won’t make you happy or healthy because happiness isn’t something to be found somewhere out there or in another person.

Something else besides chasing relationships, status and possessions that keeps people from unlocking their best life is obsessing over what they’ve lost or don’t have.

Do you want to unlock your best life? Then here’s what you should do:

1.     Decide What Matters Most to You

Find a quiet place for thoughtful reflection; observe the different areas of your life… your health, relationships, finances, career, spirituality, passions and hobbies, etc.

Are there areas of your life demanding more of your time and attention than you should be giving? Sometimes life happens and you don’t have a choice. But have you been neglecting important areas of your life because you’ve been tending to stuff that’s “urgent?”

Are there any areas you’d like to give less time to? Anything you want to make more of a priority? Look, you’ll never be happy ordering your life around other people’s priorities.

It’s your life. Live it.

To have a life that you actually enjoy living requires making these a priority (maybe you can think of others to add to this list).

• Full health in mind, body, and soul
• Relationships
• Finances
• Growth and learning
• Shelter and basic needs
• Purpose, passion, drive
• Faith

At the end of the day, gaining material possessions or achieving success has little to do with what matters most, they might add to your happiness or pleasure in some way, but happiness has deeper roots; we unlock our best self by focusing on what really matters most to us.

2.     What YOU Like / Dislike Matters

Does your life matter to you? Are your likes and dislikes important? They should be because you matter. What you care about and want to do are important – just as important as what anyone else wants. Remind yourself that you’re a person of value and worth. Love yourself. Once you love yourself you can love others in a way that isn’t needy or forces them to make up for your emotional deficiencies.

Being at peace with yourself and actually liking who you are keeps you from seeking external validation, affirmation and approval. You should never have to prove to anyone that you measure up and are worth loving. Why? Because inherently you already measure up and are worth loving whether anyone recognizes it or not or says something to the contrary.

Give yourself some love – be kind, caring and forgiving to yourself.  When you look in the mirror remind yourself of the good qualities of the person looking back at you. Affirm yourself. Be a great friend to yourself. Focus on the good rather than the imperfections!

3.     Savor the Here and Now

Spending too much time in the past or future triggers worry, regret and anxiety. What matters most is right now because it’s the only moment you have the power to change!

Embrace the world that’s happening around you right now. Time is a precious gift to be appreciated. Every minute matters because time = life.

How much have you been savoring life? What are some blessings for which you could be grateful right now if you so chose?

4.     Pursue Passions

What are some passionate interests you’ve been putting off? It could be anything from training for a Spartan race to diving the Great Barrier or volunteering in your community.

Pursuing your passions and creating memories make life worth living. Want to rid your life of stress, busyness and overwhelm? Then bring things back into balance by pursuing your passions! Enjoy. Your. Life!

Embrace new experiences. Have fun. Laugh. Cry. Serve. Pray. Live! What matters most is living a fulfilling life. Pursuing passionate interests makes life worth living.

5.     Make Positive Choices & Habits

Time for a little math: Good choices + good habits = a good life.

Making better choices that enhance a healthy mind, body, and soul, creates a good life.

Create routines and rituals that take care of your life and support your overall well-being. Stay true to your beliefs, standards and values. Be committed to your dreams and what matters most to YOU; tune-out what the media says should matter most.

Be confident in who you are choosing to become because the kind of person you want to become is important.

Your thoughts and how you treat yourself matter because thoughts create choices, choices create habits, habits create character, character creates destiny. So be optimistic and focus on the positive.

Final Words

This post isn’t a substitute for books on how to identify what matters most; it’s just a gentle nudge. To unlock your best life, decide today to start giving more focus and energy to what matters most to you because you are important.

Remind yourself that other people won’t always agree with you on what should matter most for your life; it’s simply not as important to them – it isn’t a priority. Or their interaction with you might be driven by what they think is best for them, not you.

Either way, it’s your life and you only get one. Show yourself some love by being true to yourself and living life on your terms. Focus on what matters most.

Photo by Bart LaRue on Unsplash

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